fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
