Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
