you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
