If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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