the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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