I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
