im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
