I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
