Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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