You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
