Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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