i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
