yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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