Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
