The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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