why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
