Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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