accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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