Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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