awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
