Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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