I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
