just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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