Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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