This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
