My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
