there was a trapeze. enough said
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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