i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
