yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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