8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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