I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
