I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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