I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!