Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
