HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
