A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
