Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
