dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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