the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Houston, we have a blender
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
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This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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