last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
