I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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