im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
