so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
