I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
