a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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