She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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