chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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