I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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