Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
