I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
