You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.