he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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