Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
