How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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