Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize