OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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