How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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