Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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