i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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