im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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